Today is not at all the day that I was so magically given exactly one year ago. Nor will tonight be anything like that night. But that day, and that night, changed my life…Ignited my soul…Reminded me exactly who I am, what I want, who I’m not, what I don’t want… and that I am beautiful, even and especially when I don’t think so. It also flooded my brain with dopamine and all those other connection chemicals that happen all too rarely in my life. So grateful.
And I’ll tell you, I’ve almost dreaded the coming of this un-anniversary of sorts. I’ve imagined I’d be heartsick, bottomlessly sad, wake up crying, start drinking at dawn (just kidding), that I’d re-read old emails that I’ve intentionally not re-read before…that I’d pine and mope and turn myself inside out in anguish. But I’ve already done all those things (except the drinking at dawn…not about to start). And I’ve done them countless times. Sometimes they’ve caught me by surprise, while other times the feelings just greeted me softly like an old and familiar friend. They comforted me. Odd. The utter soul drenching sorrow that I’ve felt over the past 10 months has become such a regular part of my life that I think I’m almost afraid of living without it. You know, as in, if I let it go, then I am also letting that love go and then it simply ceases to exist. And without love, then I cease to exist. Because of that mirror analogy. We mirror each other. Mirrored.
The truth is, Love doesn’t cease to exist. It cannot. If it does, it isn’t love. So, there’s never anything to fear. That’s just the lizard talking. (“there, there little lizard, everything is ok”)
But, I’ve held on to that for so long. Why? Human nature? Sure. Addiction to the feeling of said mirroring? Sure again. Wishing? Hoping? Wanting? Craving? Missing? Yes, all of that. Especially missing. Missing my mirror. My love. My “you”. My co-defined “One”.
More accurately, the truth is it’s a bit more pitiful and self serving than that.
Because I know better. On the cellular level, I do. However halfway evolved I like to think I am, my monkey mind, my citta vritti still takes over sometimes. More than I’d like to admit. And then I selfishly feel sorry for myself. Then, of course, the inevitable self loathing for stepping off my own path to evol-lightenment. (That’s my hybrid of evolution and enlightenment. I don’t kid myself thinking I will attain enlightenment, but hope to simply stay on the path that enlightens me a wee tad more each day. Micro-Turtle steps.)
What a mess!! Do you see a downward spiral pattern here that makes you want to roll your eyes, or just chuckle at me softly because you are all human too, and understand, and know that I will right myself once again? Yes. I will. And am. It’s so funny, really.
And this life o’ mine, really is extraordinary. That I’ve been privileged with this gift, this adventure, these eyes that get to see so much beauty…and these ears that hear so much music…these fingers that get to touch so much texture and life…this heart that gets to feel and experience so much magic… I have to chuckle at myself in spite of the monkey.
Looking back over the past year, I can scarce believe all that has happened and that I’ve experienced. The full moon night meeting with a kindred soul whose company I never grew weary of (no small feat)…a desert sunset, discovery…loads of discovery…hiking in Oman, night swimming in iridescent new moon waters…my father’s death – forever sealing the deal that he and I will never get to know one another…trips home to be with my loves in Virginia, time spent getting to know my brother (at least over email), camping in the Mangroves and watching Abu Dhabi’s lights from my open tent…an unforgettable karma yoga trip to India with 8 magnificently heart-beautiful women and meeting the most enchanting and loving children there…getting to sit in the temple of the Amritapuri ashram before dawn meditating…sleeping on the hard floor of the ashram dorm room and loving it…the inevitable breaking open of my heart when the time came to say goodbye to the subject mirror of this post…a journey to Thailand to meet new magical people and deepen my ashtanga practice Mysore style…the journey to France to reconnect with myself through endless daylong hikes through the mountains, vineyards, villages and the nights with beautiful friends there who have become family…the indescribably fortuitous experience of enrolling in the Martha Beck Life Coach course and the countless way-finders and beings of light and love I encounter there every single day and know that I will continue to in my evol-lightenment…watching the place I work fall apart and my job there start to die a slow death. (Yes, that’s happening, but it’s ok…when its over, new exciting things will await me!! I have no doubt about that)...all bringing me to today.
Reflecting on the magic and wonder of this past year. Astounding!! Profound. Beautiful. Otherwordly, even!
And yes, though through the writing of this post, I have found myself in a few heaps of heaving sobs, I end with the feeling with which I began:
Sheer, unadulterated, endless, universe sized buckets of gratitude. Mixed with a bit of wonder over it all. And complete unconditional love for all that has passed and all that is to come. Acceptance. Love. Unconditional. Peace. Enough.
…and that’s my message for any of you (however discombobulated it may be) who may not know what is next, or who may feel a little blue, out of sorts, going through a heartbreak, unsure of how to start…
Start where you are. Practice, practice – all is coming. (You gotta love the yoga metaphors, as they are filled with truth.) And know that you are loved and that you are love, as are we all. It’s a big world and there’s a lot going on every day, too much really. We are all in this together. I’m honored to share the ride with all of you.
Yep! That’s a whole lotta feeling for a little cricket, but maybe, just maybe, that’s my superpower :-).