sometimes I spill…

Sometimes I rant..

Sometimes I gush…

Sometimes I retreat…

Sometimes I inspire…

Sometimes I feel so much love I have to share it…

Sometimes I feel so much gratitude, I want to shout it…

Sometimes I feel the world is so damn beautiful, I want to cry about it…

Sometimes I control…(or fool myself into thinking I can)

Sometimes I share the thing that is dancing around in my soul in the moment it starts that tango…

Sometimes I have so much to say that I pour it all out in an almost manic rain on my keyboard via text or email, or blog because at that exact moment, there is something inside that I just HAVE to get out. A message I need to give, a love I want to share, a story I want to tell about me, a story I want to tell about you, a gratitude I want to express, a dream I want to send to the universe, a forgiveness I feel like giving, a desire that wants to be realized, a truth that has just landed on me as so profound that I feel that I will burst if I don’t say it right then and there in some medium because It. Just. Needs. To. Be. Said.

Of course, there may be a recipient on the other end who thinks “this really didn’t need to be said”.  And sometimes they tell me so.  And sometimes, I tell myself so after I’ve gotten it all out.  I walk away ten minutes later or wake up a day later with regret thinking I shouldn’t have done it…shouldn’t have written it…shouldn’t have said it…shouldn’t have felt the need to express it…shouldn’t have put it out there…shouldn’t have thought it…shouldn’t have wanted it…shouldn’t have shared it…shouldn’t feel it…

Shouldn’t. Shouldn’t. Shouldn’t….these are poisonous words.  Just as damaging as Should. Fuck “shouldn’t”.  And for that matter, fuck “should”.

I’ll tell myself that it was all about me and so why, oh why did I feel the need to throw up verbally or textually or blogally all over some poor unwitting reader soul who wasn’t expecting it and who is rolling their eyes when they read it or hear it…and that I’m unworthy and they don’t want to hear my message anyway and that they probably think I’m full of shit or I say too much or I drop love bombs on them and it overwhelms them…and who the hell do I think I am to feel inspired to share something that matters to ME?

This duality of bursting with love and shaming myself for sharing it comes from a pattern I learned growing up in an epically dysfunctional home. In that home, I was never allowed to express myself, wasn’t listened to, wasn’t believed, wasn’t treated as worthy, and wasn’t nurtured.  And that little girl was too small to assess the situation, say “fuck it” and leave to find healthier surroundings.  So, I learned to hide. To blend. To censor. To mute. To believe myself unworthy. To make myself small. To overachieve or to underachieve. (whichever brought the least negative attention.)

So, today – I consider it one hell of an accomplishment to have the ability to love and to feel and shine and to inspire….to feel gratitude, to want to forgive, to be in love with the world and all the people in it and to feel it all so deeply and strongly sometimes that I say it. A lot. Or write it. A lot.

Because, I’ve discovered that it’s all well and good if I am thinking it, but as that small girl who physically grew into an adult but had no idea how to relate to other people or walk among them or to sometimes set boundaries for myself – I learned to observe. I had a lot of opportunity to do this.  To watch.  To notice how people speak (or don’t speak) to each other. I watched couples mostly not say what was most important to them in a moment.  I watched parents mostly not say what their kids most needed to hear to help them learn and grow and be whole.  I watched bosses mostly not say what their teams could most benefit and grow from and be motivated by. I watched strangers mostly say unkind things to each other because they are carrying around anger and hurts and pain from other parts of their lives.  Or avoid each other entirely and not speak at all. I watched people mostly not say to themselves what would be most loving and serving and nourishing for their own souls at a given moment.

But, I also started noticing that there were couples who did say what they needed to say in kind and loving ways.  And I saw parents gently disciplining and guiding their children into who people who could think for themselves and show up in the world as light.  And I found bosses so impactful that they couldn’t speak without inspiring, motivating, invoking a chemical reaction that pushed their teams to be their best. I witnessed strangers paying each other the most heartbreakingly beautiful kindnesses and treating each other with love.  People who just inherently knew we are all connected and you are me and I am you and therefore we can either be loving to ourselves or not. I met people who knew how to tend to their own souls and through that consistent self nurture were able to model that for others.

Somewhere along the line, I realized this is why there is a choice.  This is why both heaven and hell exist right here on earth, because we create both with our energy, our decisions, our treatment of others and our treatment of ourselves. This is how I realized that although I had grown up in hell, there had been a lot of heaven in my world as well. This is how I realized that I had alternately created heaven or hell for others simply through my words or actions or my silence and inaction.

So, yeah – SOMETIMES I SPILL.   Sue me. ~smile~  

Because I know how it feels not to say it.  I know how it feels not to hear it.  I know how healing words and actions can be.  I know how very often we don’t say to one another the gorgeous loving things that when said with love and generosity can create an energy that starts a movement that changes the world.  I know the power of human touch and just how healing an embrace, the caress of a cheek, holding a hand, squeezing a shoulder, stroking of hair, sustaining eye contact, and a kiss can be.  And I know so many of us walk around scared to death to feel or to let anyone in for even a nanosecond because they might hurt us or because we will have to give up our cloak of numbness and actually experience our emotions. Or we think that letting someone in somehow discredits someone else. Or that if we allow ourselves happiness or comfort, we are not punishing ourselves as we have decided we surely must for some wrong we think we have wrought upon the world or our family or friends (or selves). How many of us walk around under mountainous weight of guilt and shame we have decided that we deserve and actually cling to it like our badge of courage, because suffering is our nature? Right? Any of this sound familiar? Any of this sound a little too martyrous if you hear of someone else doing it, but it’s ok for us to do it ourselves because, you know – we can handle it right? And it’s just easier. Safer. No risk, no pain. Also, no risk, no joy. Flip sides of the same coin.
I know all of this because I have done it.  I still do it.  But, I don’t want to do it. I want to spill. I want to share.  I want to feel.  I want to LIVE. And I want you to know how I feel about you. (any of you)….because honest to cliché, Life Is Too Short to wait till our deathbeds to feel and to let go of fear and tell people how we feel. To allow ourselves to feel.  To suddenly realize, “oh shit!!! THAT is what it was all about, and I wasted it.”   

And here’s the kicker….I don’t give a green goddam (where did that phrase come from anyway?) if you feel the same. If you reciprocate, great. If not, great. If you love me back or hate me, great.  If you roll your eyes or think nothing of me at all.  Because when I share my love, light, peace, gratitude, forgiveness, anything at all with you – it is because that is how I feel and it is completely independent of anything else.  It’s the same if I share my hate, darkness, greed, disdain, guilt or shame with you.  That isn’t about you either, that’s about me. So, I have a choice.  And so, yes – sometimes, I spill.  Because I don’t want to die with regrets and I want you to know you have had an impact on me if you have and because I know that you too sometimes struggle with unworthiness and fear and doubt and pain and guilt and shame and that even though we are all responsible for our own feelings,  we are all connected and our shared humanity flourishes in appreciation of one another and our souls can wither and die when that is lacking.  We live in a modern world of marvels that makes it too easy to hide and numb and pretend.  We drink, we get lost on the internet, we watch TV, we smile with our mouths and not with our eyes and we get through the day pretending that we are living when we are really just dying from the need and desire to just connect and be understood, heard, loved.

So, sometimes I spill…. and starting right this minute – I am DONE apologizing for it.  I am finished regretting it.  I am saying goodbye to second guessing my motivations. It’s au revoir to worrying that I am not worthy or that it was too much or over the top. Hasta la vista to self loathing and punishment for wrongs that only get worse if I don’t forgive myself for. Adios to the hangover of fear of unacceptance.

If I love you, I’m telling you. And I’m showing you.  If you’ve impacted me, I’m grateful and sharing that with others.  If you inspire me, I’m glowing and I appreciate you.  If you touch my heart, I’m hugging you. If I am overwhelmingly attracted to you on the woman/man level, I’m kissing you. If you do or say or create something amazing, I’m celebrating you.  And I’m celebrating me. If you hurt me, I’m forgiving you.  And I’m forgiving myself. 

Living. Growing. Healing. Learning. Smiling. FEELING. Accepting. Being.

I’m walking through this world unapologetically as a neighbor, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a mother, a lover, a companion, a partner and a witness. Join me, if you like. Or not.  I love you anyway. But just know that sometimes, I spill.  And I dig that about me.

 

beauty

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