Fifteen periods. At least, from when I started counting. And since I am pretty damn sure that I am not pregnant (that would require serious divine intervention), I have therefore concluded that I have reached a new era in my life—MENOPAUSE. Funny sidebar, the first time I typed that word, I spelled it as “menpause”, which is also apropo. These days, I have taken to thinking of myself as celibate. Or on a sexual hiatus. Or in a long term relationship with myself. No, it’s not a “dry spell”, it is a choice as there are certainly opportunities to “get it on” with fellow singles, but for at least a year now, I find that I just don’t WANT to.
Scratch that…reverse it. I actually really DO want to, (I mean REALLY, REALLY, REALLY do) but somewhere along the way, I have become self aware and self loving enough that I am simply not GOING to get undressed and share my naked body unless I can also share my soul with another who is capable of doing the same. A deep and conscious connection, if you will. Yes, I will have that, please. (psssst – Universe, I know you are listening, girl ;))
But even more than the acknowledgment of the end of my lifetime of fertility and my extended period of unpartnered solitude, there are other more subtle, gentle and even beautiful differences in the woman I am today. I am not entirely unlike the younger version of myself, but I am not like her either. Bless her sweet heart, she thought she was really onto something several years back when she started blogging and traveling and talking about loving freely and forgiveness and choices and living her life without apology. And, well, she was, of course…she was. But, there’s more. Because she was still viewing things through the eyes of the romantic maiden. And that was lovely. But now, she has (I have) the eyes of the crone.
I think I might have skipped over the mother archetype altogether and lingered far too long in the maiden arena. You know what? I take that back. I lingered there as long as I needed to in order to learn some things I needed to learn. Or maybe I was a “mother” in ways I can’t easily see. I think this whole thought process is in the evolution phase and will sort itself out one way or another.
Crone. Many see it as a derogatory term. I do not. I see it very emphatically as an “arrival on the threshhold” and a time of life that I was made for. I mean, obviously I was made for it as here I am, but on a much deeper level. To say I’m a fledgling crone might even be a better term as I am just getting started which is so exciting and feels somewhat like I just got a full scholarship to the 50 year “warrior – goddess academy”, which is something I just made up because I can. And because I can feel that it is going to be a beautiful and long and magical journey towards….what? Wisdom? Peace? Enlightenment? Hmmmm, nahhhh…
I’m not enlightened. Not by a long shot. And I’m sure as shit no guru. I don’t have all the answers, hell I am not sure I have ANY of the answers. But what I do know for certain is that I am AWAKE. Or at least waking up. (Awakening?) That could mean any number of things to any number of people, but to me and the people that dwell in my tribe, I reckon it means fast forwarding (finally) – (oxymoronism at its best, people) into understanding, nay demanding of myself that I live the life that I came here to live. Not the life I pretended to live with a husband or 3. Most def not the life I’ve been living and giving to corporations and organizations under the guise of making proverbial ends meet in various workplaces over the decades.
What it means simply for me is this. There’s a life I’ve imagined and dreamed of since childhood. A life and fantasy of sorts that may more easily be imagined by a child with an abusive and rather painful childhood and upbringing. But, the impetus of it all doesn’t make it less real. Perhaps it even makes it more real and possible.
And that life is a life that somehow heals the world, or some fraction of it. And I know to do that, I have to heal myself…which has been my life mission. I grew up apologizing for myself. For my very presence on the planet. Feeling less than and unworthy and like I had to prove myself to everyone and every situation I encountered.
This crone wisdom brings with it the absolute conviction that I do NOT have to apologize for BEING. And I will not ever again…not one more step will be made that diminishes me.
And that life I’ve always dreamed of? Well I always imagined would be in Africa. Growing up in the rural south in a very impoverished home, I thought the only way to get to Africa was through the pages of my Mimi’s National Geographic magazines. Oh, how I loved to live on those pages for hours and hours on all the countless weekends I spent with her. Later, I dreamed that my only way to get there was through the Peace Corps, which may still yet be in the cards, but maybe not. Then I lost sight of the dream. Listened to others who said that I was a dreamer and my head was in the clouds and that I couldn’t be whatever it was they said I couldn’t be if I didn’t get a job, marry, have kids, buy a house and a couple of cars and work myself into the grave towards retirement so I could travel…If you know anything about me, you know this story didn’t really sit well with me and though it took me quite a few decades to get the chutzpah to say “fuck it” and do my own damn thing – here I am living in the middle east with quite a few travels under my belt I never thought possible with friends all over the globe who are mystical game changers.
Damn. Sometimes I am astounded by how far I have come and who I am becoming.
How about you? Did you “become” who you are today because of some story society or your family or the television or your culture told you that you had to be in order to be “successful” and “acceptable”? That’s ok. Most of us were. I think there’s something else evolving in the world, though. A new mentality. And a new understanding that it isn’t about accumulating stuff and making as much money as you can before you die. (Not that there is anything wrong with money. Nothing at all. It just maybe shouldn’t be the end goal.)
For me, because “me” is all I can truly speak for, I’m walking towards something else. I feel on the cusp of something so big I may not yet have the capacity to understand it, let alone express it. Something that is being “dreamed into being”. I love that phrase. Who said it first? I heard it from the magical and wildly intelligent Martha Beck. I digress….
Coming back full circle on the pseudo-topic of this blog, I feel like this crone archetype of mine will be fluid and will flow back towards the mother side as I dream of Africa and the life I’m ready for there. And her children will become my children. Though my physical eyesight is failing as I age, the clarity with which I can see my life unfolding now is pretty extraordinary.
So, what’s next? How do I wrap this post up with a tidy little bow? (smile)
Maybe I don’t. Maybe for now just sharing these thoughts and dreams with you is letting the universe know I am ready and am in the mood to manifest.
So, come on Universe…Let’s get it on 😉