…last week, while on my last hike of the year in southern France, I found myself weeping and inconsolably sad. Grief stricken could be a more accurate description. I had a lump in my throat the size of a cantaloupe and a pain in my chest that felt like what I imagined it must feel like to have a gorilla rip out my heart. As I write this I am reenacting the whole scene, except that I am sitting on my couch in Abu Dhabi instead of hiking up that gorgeous path up towards Notre Dame du Cros in Caunes Minervois.
What IS this feeling? And why does it seem like every time I leave France, I am being ripped from the loving arms of a mother I’ve never known? Now, of course it’s true that I fall in love with every place I go and always feel a bit sad when I leave, but also usually excited and ready to get back to my apparently adopted homeland of the UAE.
But when I am about to leave Caunes, my heart breaks. The only feeling or scenario that compares is how I feel when I leave South Africa. There I feel a different sort of peace and ancient belonging along with the absolute comfort that I will be back, but a deep sorrow about leaving as well.
In the midst of this emotion last week, I sent a text to a friend asking if there was a word for it, this feeling, this emotion, this sorrow, this love.
He replied simply, “Amoureuse…that’s the word you are looking for…”
And indeed it was. I didn’t even know I was looking for a French word, but it was totally fitting.
Then it dawned on me that for pretty much the whole of 2015, I had become an emotional zombie. I didn’t notice it as it happened, but when that wellspring of pain and tears overtook me, I think I got ALL OF THE FEELINGS that I hadn’t been feeling all year back at once. Let me just tell you, THAT was heavy.
So, what does all this mean? I could certainly write and write and write (which I generally do and find quite cathartic and epiphany inducing), but I think I’ll sum it up in uncharacteristic simple terms.
2015 was the year of SO many things.
Sleepless, sweaty menopause induced madness and everything that comes with that bullshit.
(Hopefully that’s over now??)
The year I changed jobs and dove into a whole new world and way of doing things and loved/hated it.
The year I got to lead a class of NYUAD freshman every Monday night (off the charts inspirational)
The year I did my best to keep up with a 7 month intensive Nature Based Coach Training course with the Sagefire
Institute and met the most beautiful, supportive and heart open friends and mentors possible.
The year I irrevocably lost my best friend due to my own insensitive and very selfish actions.
The year my dear Stepdad left the earthly plane which allowed me to “see” my mother and forgive her.
The year I traveled to Sri Lanka for yoga at a Tea Plantation which changed my life.
The year I traveled to Marrakech for yoga which changed my life again.
The year I had tea and bread and olive oil in a small Berber home as the guest of the children who live there.
The year I traveled to London for Girlfriends Gone Wild Weekend with Susan Hyatt and friends which
enhanced the hell out of my life and introduced me to some damn fiercely amazing women.
The year I had more confidence in myself than ever before and then had less confidence in myself than
ever before. Still working on that one. That has been especially tough to plow through.
The year I traveled to Cyprus with the most wonderful new sister-friend, Jesusita.
The year I traveled again to Caunes Minervois, France for Christmas and embraced with my whole heart the
loving healing that the hiking trails and beautiful friends there bring me.
The year I broke up with and later forgave my birth mother for my traumatic childhood which I am still
in the process of healing from.
The year more insanity than I could have thought possible in today’s world happened in the US and the world.
(Mass shootings, innocent lives lost, Donald Trump, (WTF??) Beirut, Syria, Paris…and more and more…)
The year I realized that it hasn’t just been a year or two since I was in a romantic
relationship, but has actually been 6 or 7 years!! (what the what??)
The year I realized I am worth so much more than I have ever given myself permission to be or accept or
expect and the road to that healing is one I will travel on for years to come.
I have to let that last one continue to sink in. And I will stop there.
Perhaps it IS the word for longing to belong and the realization that I DO and that it really is all up to me. Perhaps it is my word for 2016.
Perhaps it is the word to remind me to follow my soul’s heart. (I believe she has a heart and even a soul of her own). That feels like truth to me.
So, I’m continuing the journey in 2016, and integrating the lessons, the love, the gratitude, the forgiveness, the confusion, the healing and the inspiration so that I can better deliver it to myself and to any others I can help along their own journey.
I wish you all peace, love and light….and also patience and comfort with the darkness, for it will come when it needs to.